Death's Waltz
by Sita Seraph
Summary: Duo has grown up. Just like Heero wanted him too. But just when Duo sets himself in his new life, Heero realizes how much he loves him. Yaoi.
1. Missunderstood Love

Title: Death's Waltz

Author: Sita Seraph

Genre: Angst, Romance

Pairing: 1x2, 2x???

Rated: PG-13

Warning: OOC maybe? Swearing.

The light was right before me, stretching it's way across the snow-covered ground, reaching out to penetrate the darkness of night.  The moon was gone, hiding bashfully behind the clouds moving lazily in the atmosphere.  It was only I, the eternal darkness, and the fading light radiating out the clear window of the house before me.  Even so far away, I could hear the light music of Christmas tunes spilling forth from the welcoming home.  Even so close, I couldn't bring myself to step out of the darkness caving in around me and step into the light.  Because then…then you might…

You might see me.

I watched longingly at the long, chestnut braid swinging back and forth happily.  I watched the lean, tall body bend and stretch.  I watched the fingers delicately hold onto the balls' hook before placing them on the stretching limbs of the tree.  I could only watch, my eyes tracing over the curve of your body that I knew so well with my hands, with my mind.  I could remember the faint bullet scar on your left shoulder blade, deep, red, and gashing.  Something my middle finger would dig into as you rocked above me, taking me on a trip of ecstasy with our cries of desire floating on the winds.  I remembered the different hews of red, brown, and blonde that graced your flowing hair, which you kept captive in that tight braid.  As if you were afraid that someone might see the different highlights of your thick hair.  As if you were afraid that someone might fall in love with it…

Like I have.

You, my secret lover, stretched your body to reach to the top of the tree, a hollow wooden cross in hand.  Leave it to you to try to find something more meaningful then a guardian angel or a heavenly star.  Leave it to you to put a cross on the top of the tree to protect your family on this celebrated season. To celebrate 6 years since the last time you saw an armed weapon. 

Finally, the cross was crowned on top of the fake tree and the object of my affection fell back off the tiny ladder to look at your handy work.  A pleased smile crossed your features, one I have seen so many times before, lighting up your violet eyes like the new morning sun.  You wiped your forehead, bangs swaying lightly and tickling your nose, which you began to scratch thoughtfully.

And then they came.

Barely seen over the windowsill came the bobbing of wondrous golden locks, thinned down by small strands of brown.  You turned your head and looked down, a smile brightening your features yet once again.  Your mouth moved, asking a question, yet it was unheard by the thick glass window.  Slowly, you reached down and suddenly the mop of hair finally had an owner.  There was the whoosh of a dark blue blanket with stars, moons, and suns all in gold before the body of a three-year old boy emerged from their depths.  He smiled widely, giving little giggles of glee I supposed, as you swung him around high in the air.  I've been watching this warm house for days now and I've come to realize that this was only when the young toddler really smiled.  When you picked him up and gave him the world as the both of you soared and twisted through the air.

That boy was going to be a pilot someday.

You tucked the young baby under your arm; his strands of golden hew getting in his eyes.  He had long and thick hair, just like his parents.

Just like you and your wife.

I frowned sadly as you was talking animatedly with you son, pointing at the tree.  The smile was beginning to disappear from the baby's lips, watching the tree with intense, dark, dark blue eyes.  Filled with awareness, an intelligent glint behind his eyes.  But he barely spoke, so shy.  So much unlike his father.  So much like Shinigami.

You put down the 3 year old as soon as you were done talking, a smile on your lips.  You knew too that your little boy was smart.  You knew too that your son understood the words that you spoke.

Suddenly, the dash of blonde hair was stumbling across the living room and into a taller boy's arm.  I was able to see him though.  His head and neck peeked over the window before the rest of the house hid his body.  He looked up at his father, a large, loopy grin on his lips.  I knew the toddler was just around his middle, hugging the boy like a teddy bear and his blanket.  My eyes gazed fondly over the dark chestnut hair, my favorite color since my love left.  You had passed it on, passed on those beautiful auburn locks.

Onto your eldest, six-year-old son.

It was tumbling loosely over his shoulders, just reaching past his shoulders.  The warm light of the room, by the warm light inside him, lit up his violet eyes.  The oldest son had taken so much of his father, taken so many things I loved about his father. It wasn't fair that another being should have those beautiful things.  Only you should be that unique, that happy, that warm.

But I didn't regret it.

There was only one thing that was missing from the young boy's perfection.  The bangs.  The bangs that clouded both his father's forehead and his brother's that covered all of his head and neck in mangled strands, he had but six thin strands lying across his forehead.  Compliments of his mother…the only thing she touched on this pure body with her imperfection…

I had to thank her for that…or then I would be gawking at two beautiful Duo's.

I sighed heavily and turned my eyes away from the happy family, living peacefully inside their house.  I was so stupid to let go of you.  Stupid to let you walk away.  Stupid to think…I never needed you.

~

"Why can't you fucking tell me!?" Duo raved, kicking the computer desk chair across the room.  My eyes narrowed, pausing from packing my bag, before continuing.  Duo had bought me so many new clothes…

It was too bad he'd never see me wear them.

"It's a mission, Duo," I tried to explain calmly but the anger, the betrayal, the obvious jealously that was radiating off my lover was making it extremely difficult.  I just wanted to smack him and tell him to shut up so I could get myself under control again.  I was so fucking tired of all the fights we were having.  I just wanted it all to go away…and if running away was the only way to settle things between us so we could talk normally without trying to kill each other, then I was willing to risk it.

I was so TIRED.

"Bullshit!" He screamed, stomping the ground like a spoiled brat.  Like a child.  A blasted child that just wouldn't wake up and get on with his life instead of making these pointless fights hang over between us!!

I'd had enough.  I was TIRED of being the calm one.  I was TIRED of being the rational one.  I was TIRED of letting Childish Duo have his god damn way all the time!  I was TIRED of not fighting back!!

I slammed my suitcase shut and turned towards the pouting and obviously fuming bratty lover of mine.  I was gritting my teeth too tightly, making them hurt, but I didn't care.  I was ready to kill the one other individual in the room.

"Yes, Duo, it is a lot of bullshit!!" I screamed.  I saw the shock on his face.  I wasn't calm.  I wasn't keeping my voice down.  That was my job, wasn't it, Duo?  It was your job to blow things out of proportion, rant and rave, and kick things around, right?  You've pushed my fucking limits, Duo!  AND YOU WANTED ME TO BE CALM ABOUT IT!?!

"This relationship is bullshit!!! All we do is fight and bicker! I'm fucking tired of it!  I'm fucking tired of YOU and your childish ways!  Why don't you grow up, Duo!?  Why don't you get a fucking life?!"

I had grabbed the suitcase and my grip on it was as tight as I wanted my hand to close in on his throat.  Tired, tired, tired!  What had I done to get myself in this stupid mess?

"Y…You really mean that…?" Duo said and for once he was quiet.  It was like we had switched roles.  Only his voice sounded extremely hurt.

Like I cared.

"Yes, Duo," I said venomously, glaring his way.  "I mean that.  With all my heart."

Duo made a horrible gasp, almost like a shocked sob.  His eyes were beginning to brim with tears, his face so shocked, so hurt, and so open before me.  I couldn't care.  I couldn't care…not now…not after what I said.

"You're tired of me…" Duo said, repeating my words.  Words that had lifted the heavy, overbearing force that forced itself upon my shoulders when all the arguing began. It sounded so horrible coming from him, when it felt so good coming from me. Now…I was beginning to regret…

Duo gave me one of his most painful smiles, hands shaking as he gripped them together.  Trying to control…Trying to control from not breaking apart in front of me…

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Duo said, painful tone trying to sound light.  But it was so obvious.  He was cracking, falling into little bits right in front of me…and I couldn't find anything to say to take back what I yelled at him.

"I'm sorry, Heero," Duo said, still trying to keep up the smile.  He walked, or shakily stumbled, towards the door two feet behind him.  Slowly he opened it…Opened it for me.  "I'm sorry, Heero.  For keeping you here against your will."

I couldn't say anything.  What I said was done, hot in the moment of anger, and I couldn't take it back.  Duo…wouldn't let me take it back.  He smiled brokenly at me as I walked past him slowly and out into the hall.  There was a soft click behind me as the door was closed, supported by Duo's hand, my chest suddenly terribly heavy as my love started to weigh down my heart.

Baka.  I was such a baka!

~

And now I had lost you for good.  You had a family now.  You had grown up.  It was like you was trying to show me something.  Tell me that I was wrong, that you could act like a responsible adult if the occasion ever arrived.  And I was wrong.  We were only 15 back then.  We weren't supposed to be mature and older.  We were supposed to play video games and have those fights, just to make up later.  But I was too old for all of that.  In my head, I was too old for that.  You were right the whole time.  And now, both of us 21, I still couldn't take back what I said.  I just hoped you forgave me.  That…you even remembered me.

The last time we met was in the hospital…

~

I've never seen you cry so hard in your life.  In fact, I don't remember ever seeing you crying.  Yet, there you were, head in your hands with nails digging into your bangs as you sobbed like a broken man on the street.  You kept rocking back and forth in the visitor's chair, letting wails escape the hands that covered your parched lips.  You coughed and choked, dying on your tears, drowning in your pain.  Not even _I_ could cause you so much pain when I left.  But I had ran down the hall like a coward and I didn't know what went on behind the door that you closed shut behind me.

I'm sorry, Duo. 

Quatre was gently holding your eldest son, trying to calm the young toddler from running to you.  You needed time; you needed to get your tears out.  So you could be strong for your little boy. Couldn't the boy see that?

Yet he kept reaching for his broken father.

I walked over quietly to the shuddering man; to the one I once called my lover.  You didn't notice my approach, only noticed the hand I placed upon your shoulder.  Shakily, my longhaired friend grabbed it desperately, hands wet with salty tears and for once I could view that pure anguish on your face.  The rims of your eyes were red and beaten, your smile turned upside down into a hideous and unmistakable painful frown.  My lover, my friend, I wished I could kiss those tears away and heal that shattered heart.  You did not deserve all this pain.

"I'm sorry, Duo," I said softly.  "I'm sorry about your wife."

And I was sorry.  But I was sorry for Duo.  How could that woman leave him?  How could she die on him like that?  Why couldn't she be stronger, why couldn't she fight the cancer?  They could have cured her!  Why did she have to die and leave my Duo all alone!?

"You don't understand…" He whispered, tears glistening the lips I ached to kiss from the bottom of my heart.  He licked them then, taking in that salty flesh and his tears began again at the reminder.  "You don't understand…"

"I don't…" I whispered.  "But I'll try…"

"You don't understand…" He whispered back.  And we said no more.  Because I truly did not understand.

~

Duo.  My Duo.  My lover.  I wish I still had you.  Would you accept me, even in your new life?  Would you accept me for what I've done to you?

I licked my dry lips, just like the last time I saw you.  And I took a hesitating step forward into the warm light.

This time, you saw me.


	2. Winter Shards

Title: Death's Waltz - 2

Author: Sita Seraph

Genre: Angst, Romance

Pairing: 1x2, 2x???

Rated: PG-13

Warning: OOC maybe? Swearing.

It was kind of funny.  He wasn't even surprised to see me.  As I stood outside in the blistering cold, finally getting up the nerve to step into the light melting the snow under my feet, I was just waiting for the unexpected surprise that would enlarge his eyes and make them brighter under the fluorescent lighting of his home.  But instead, he just cocked his head to the side, looking out the window at the precise moment I took my crunchy step forward.  His head was tilted at such an angle that it brought an almost innocent look about him; curly strands of mahogany in open air as they tumbled down his frame, lips just slightly parted in a curious arch, and hands on his thinned hips.  But his eyes, that were light and warm when he had looked at his children, were suddenly snuffed out by the winter cold that surrounded me.  He looked at me indifferently, as if I was just some beggar on the street and he had no want to care or need for me.  It was odd seeing how easily his emotions could be clicked on or off.  But than again…it wasn't.  Duo was always the one wearing his feelings on his sleeves.  He was always the one to over react, to blow things out of proportions.

Isn't it appropriate to act warmly to those he cared about and cold to the ones he hated?

I sighed shakily and an air of brief fog appeared from it.  For that split second of that haze appearing, Duo disappeared behind it.  And when it cleared, he was still gone.  I looked frantically around in the window of warmth, but there was no sign of my fathered lover, nor of the children he produced.  My hand left the snow hat I was carrying and gripped the picket fence in front of me, freezing bites of snow gnawing into my already numb digits.  But the cold was nothing now; only the fact that Duo had took one look at me and had driven himself and his children upstairs, away from my piercing and prying stare.  He had answered my question; he remembered me.  And he still hated me.  I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be.  But then again, I didn't really expect to see Duo's door open with him in the doorframe, sharing a smile for me alone like when we were children.  I didn't expect forgiveness.  The least I expected was nothing at all, because I didn't even think I would have the courage to let Duo see me.  But I had…and now what?  What this feeling that I felt inside?  It wasn't sadness…

It was loneliness.

Yes.

Loneliness.  Something I felt now more strongly than ever.

Slowly, I hung my head and looked down at my white hand, grasping the even paler cream fence.  I pried my hand away with shaky, frozen fingers, but it wasn't just the cold that was making me shiver.  It was the impossible need to just throw back my head and scream.  Then, afterwards, I would crumble up happily into a little ball right in front of Duo's house and cry; cry until my tears would become crystals on my cheeks and the crystals would become some sort of shell, the shell I had so long ago that I so desperately wanted right now.  So I couldn't feel that emptiness wretch my insides apart.  So it could protect me from the love that I felt for Duo right now, that was killing me.  Love, a fatal killer and it always got away with murder.  Oh, the irony.  The stupid, fucking irony of it all.  It was so funny when you thought about it.  Love makes you sacrifice your every desire and will; Love makes you want to die for damaging it; Love makes you want to go insane.  And people say it's the most wonderful thing in the world to ever possess.

If someone said that right now today, I'd have pulled out my gun and shoot them.  Then turn the gun at myself.  Unfortunately, I didn't have that choice.  So I picked the secondary option.

With the coolest demeanor that put the winter to shame, I gripped my gray hat again before slipping it over my head.  I fitted it tightly around my ears, and I took great care with fixing any hair that would give me trouble.  My knees were wishing to shake, ready for collapse, but I kept them so straight that it hurt and I was surely cutting off the needed blood supply.  But I didn't care.  I was forcing myself not to care at the moment.  I was definitely forcing myself not to care when I felt the first trickle of anguished tears begin to appear.

So I had failed.  Big whoop there.  I screw up all the time.  I couldn't expect anything from Duo; how could when I know I had hurt him so bad?  That cracked smile haunted every smile I've seen for the last six years.  I was never the same after that earth-shattering moment.  That shattered, forced grin had broken me more than the gunshot you fired at me unsuspectingly the first day we met.

Duo broke the Perfect Soldier.

Even when I felt like crying, I chuckled then.  I actually laughed.  Oh, the irony.  Tears that were only spoken through mad laughter.  The Perfect Soldier breaking the breaker with a few harsh words.

I felt like dying.

But instead of falling into the welcoming, freezing snow, I turned around with my spine so straight that it felt like I was going to break it.  A muscle that felt like a disc was hissing with burning venom.  It hurt; it hurt so bad.  It hurt everyday since I left him, his hand no longer there to massage the firey ache away.  It never went away because I kept my back so straight.  It was my only way to keep from slumping forward and dying.

I had just made a few crunchy footsteps forward when I thought I heard something.  I stopped, and listened intently for the noise again, but it was gone.  Two steps forward and I heard it again.  I froze like death had just touched me and my frozen digits slowly curled themselves into fists.  I felt something begin to blossom inside of me and I tried to hide the sun that forced the emotion into awakening.  But it was too late.  Blinded by hope, I slowly turned around.

Duo was filling up his doorway, a shawl around his shoulders and arms…and sharing me a tight, light, faint, small, beautiful, amazing, hazy, fatherly smile.  I knew I had to have died; maybe I really did fall in the snow and curl into a fatal position and the hand of winter death quickly took away my wicked and guilty soul. Maybe I really did have a gun in my pocket and I took it out so fast that I couldn't see it, couldn't comprehend what was happening before I pulled the trigger.  Maybe even Duo somehow killed me.  Maybe I had a heart attack.

I felt like I was having one right now.

"Heero," Duo addressed calmly, leaning casually against the doorframe.

My mouth parted to return his greeting but nothing but another heavy fog came out.

"Would you like to come in?"

TBC…


	3. Stupid Fool

I entered Duo's home quietly, shutting the door politely behind me.  When I turned back around, Duo was shaking off his barely snow flaked scarf before hanging it up on the walled hangers in the mudroom hall.  I looked down at the little snow boots near the door, standing loyally close to the work boots of their father's, dirty and worn so much that the soles were nearly worn through.  The children's boots were a perfect foil to the larger ones, shiny and brand new.  In fact, everything that the kids owed were new from what I've seen so far.  The coats, the toys, the filled plates, and the clothes.  I frowned slightly and looked over at Duo's attire, finding though his clothes may not be as bad as they could be, they were coming short from what they were suppose to be…and I meant that literally.  The father's cuffs to his work shirt didn't quite reach his wrists and his pants hung high, as if he was waiting for a flood to move in.  Certainly Duo had enough time to stop by the store once and awhile…

"You must be cold," Duo said, his back still to me.  I watched as his fingers kept stroking the linen of the scarf, and I noticed that he was nervous.  Definitely so was I.  I had been accepted into my old lover's new life…for how long, I didn't know.  I was willing, though, to force myself into his affairs as much as possible.  I would do anything.  Anything to take away the pain his wife and I had caused him.

"I mean, you were standing out there a long time," Duo continued. I blinked, slightly taken off guard.  He knew I was out there.  The whole time?  Every day I stood out there?  I stumbled with my words, caught between asking how he possibly knew and an apologize for stalking outside.  But before I could get a decent sentence out, Duo slowly looked over his shoulder, loops of brown strands caught within his chestnut mass.

"Would you like something to drink?" Duo asked quietly.  His lips were slightly tight.  He was holding something back.

"Yes, please," I mumbled and he turned away again, heading towards what I supposed was the kitchen.  I hastily kicked off my shoes, desperate not to be left behind in this strange, new home.  As soon as I fought off my coat and my strapped shoes, I tried to follow my love before stopping short by a picture that caught my eye.  I stared at the smiling woman in the picture, long blonde hair falling to her forearms as she hugged her eldest son, the beautiful view of a canyon day behind them.  She was squeezing the boy tight in obvious affection, cheek to cheek against her young son.  They were sitting on a rock near some ledge and both of their eyes glittered under the mid-day sun, her blue eyes only a faint glimmer to the boy's violet.  I held back the snarl that rose to my lips; I hated her ugly hair, how thick and dry it looked.  I hated her clothes as she still tried to look like a teenager even with a son.  Some skimpy black strap top with light worn jeans with silver lining on the sides.  I touched the glass, covering her smiling face with my fingertip then brushed roughly away from her memory.  I looked wearily at all the walls and realized her smile was everywhere.  Pictures of her holding her youngest baby.  Pictures of her gardening in the front of the house.  Pictures of her in the car.  Pictures of her with my Duo.

I walked to the other wall, staring hard at Duo's beaming face as he clutched onto his wife.  It had to be before they got married, as Duo was wearing his college jacket.  It was in mid-motion, his girl friend blurry as she had thrown herself into his arms, her face hiding behind his shoulder and hair flying free around them.  Her legs were swinging off the ground, Duo's smile larger than ever before, and his eyes closed in happy bliss.  My snarl slowly melted against that face and how insanely happy he seemed to be holding onto that woman's waist.

Somehow, I felt like I lost a bit of Duo already.

Touching the picture gingerly, I made my way to the kitchen where Duo was heating up some warm water in the microwave that was next to the open doorway.  I stopped there, watching him, but he didn't lift his burning eyes, intent on watching two mugs go slowly around in the heated box.  I sighed and walked further into the kitchen, taking a seat at the kitchen counter with a white stool.  It came out of the wall for an eating counter, but the rest lined the wall, with a frig on the other side and a dinner table sitting in-between.

I listened as the microwave barely had a chance to ding its success before Duo popped open the door and took the two hot drinks out.  He walked to the counter, eyes watchful of the swaying liquid inside before slipping them carefully upon the polished white surface.  He ripped open two packages of hot chocolate and dumped them inside before placing my mug in front of me and handing me an awaiting spoon.

I stirred the drink set before me mutely, waiting for Duo's quiet thoughts to be spoken aloud.  Minutes passed, the only sound the clinking of spoons against the glass of our drinks or the soft sip Duo would make.

Finally, he spoke, "What do you want, Heero?"

"A second chance," I spoke immediately, my eyes jumping at the chance to meet Duo's.  He stared at me, hard and didn't say anything for a moment.  He barely even blinked.  Then he looked away to take another long drink from his chocolate.

"Oh," he replied.

"Oh?" I mimicked, disbelief scrawling itself all over my face, my posture, my entire brain.

"You want to be together again?" He asked, looking calmly at the white counter with the mug resting comfortably on his bottom lip.

"Well-," I choked. "Y-yes-."

"You'll just be a replacement to her."

I blinked, my back straightening.  I stared at him, not quite comprehending what he meant.

"…What?"

"She was the One, Heero. That's the thing you don't understand.  She was it.  She was the One for me.  And if you want to be apart of my life again, you'll have to realize and accept that you can never amount to what she was to me.  You will always be the replacement."

_//"You don't understand…"//_

Air only escaped my lips.

"What we had was puppy love.  What she gave to me, was everything.  Do you understand that?  Can accept the fact that I'll never really love you?  That you'll never have my heart?"

"But Duo…"

"SHE," he stressed, slightly angry, "was everything.  She gave me sons, she gave me all her heart, she gave me her laughter - her last moments!  She gave me her last breaths!  What have you ever given me, Heero?  Besides broken bones and bullets?"

"I can do all of that too, Duo…"

_//"You don't understand…"//_

"I think…you're the missing the point, Heero," he said, shaking his head and looking away.  "The One, means the One.  One and only."

But…you're my one and only…

"What's your answer, Heero?" He asked.  "Yes or no?"

_//"You don't understand…"//_

"Please, Duo…Just listen…"

"Listen," he repeated, giving himself a curt nod as he said it.  "Listen.  No, Heero, I think its time you start listening.  You screwed me up real bad, Heero, that I-."  Abruptly he stopped and ducked his head.  He sighed angrily, stomped his foot lightly, and gripped the cup tightly in his hands.  He mumbled a few curses before jerking his blazing eyes back up towards me.

"I'm not going to tell you anything," he confirmed, nodding his head.  "I'm not going to say anything about what you did because it _doesn't matter_.  I don't want your pity; I barely even want you here.  But I'm just a nice bastard, I guess."

"I can make it up to you!"

"Make it up to me?" Duo repeated my words again, his horrific disbelief striking me hard.  "Oh, and I suppose you're going to do that how…?"

"I…I can…take care of your kids…"

Duo stuttered.

"While you go to work!" I hurriedly finished, trying to get my foot in between the door before it slammed shut.  "I know how, I took care of Charity's kids-."

"Who?" Duo demanded angrily.

I stuttered myself for minute, trying to pick myself up from the interruption.

"Quatre's sister…"

"Oh," he said simply, his anger gone and he shrugged.  "I guess I'll give you a chance…but remember Heero."

I listened attentively.

"My kids only have one dad.  Don't try to confuse them about that and especially don't tell them about our history together."

"I won't breathe a word," I promised.  My second chance.  I could do this.

Note: I think this was, seriously, a crappy chapter.  I only liked Heero's entrance with all the pictures.  Grah. .'


End file.
